Pathetic.

Pathetic.
Miserable.
Awfully tired.
Lost.
Wretched.
Mad cow.
Problem magnet.
Crazy.
Lame.
Sick and tired.

I've had enough saying that I already had enough of these shits.
I wonder what the hell is with me, why I am still here?
Talk about immunity dear. Why can't I have that?

Spending more than a year but I still don't know the name of the game.
I'm still lost, still in despair and still crying out for help.
Can anyone save me from the monsters I have created?

Damn those monsters I created!
I made them out of great efforts and hard work, look where they got me?

Go ahead BAD NEWS. MAKE MY DAY.

STRESS.

Super stressed na ko for the past few days and knowing the rule, "Wag mong dalhin sa labas ng office ang stress mo sa trabaho", Ayun.

Dinala ko at ninamnam ko pa ang stress hanggang sa paglabas sa office.
I was short tempered, hot headed and I have NO PATIENCE, I mean NO, WALA, ZERO tlga. Simple things would irritate me. I'll get mad for petty reasons.

I guess it could have been better kung umuwi na lang ako after office at magmukmok sa bahay but I didn't. I knew I can always rely on you, my stress buster and a good meal for dinner would calm me down.

And so, the very short tempered me got mad at you for simple reasons. I knew, you would understand me and how stressed I was so I expect you to stay calm and blank.
But you didn't. Unlucky me. (:p)

The next thing I knew, I was disappointed and so are you. SILENCE.

Then this incident happend again last night, (courtesy of me ofcourse). Ayoko kasing tumahimik na lang while all along, masama pa rin yung loob ko sa nangyari.

It was very mature of us to talk it over personally and calmly. We were expressing our thoughts towards the incident. You were telling me that I was inconsiderate and
very impatient. I was arguing that you should have listened, stayed quite and sabi ko nga "SANA HINDI MO NA SINABAYAN YUNG INIT NG ULO KO". (Very bossy me. hehe.)

Blah. Blah. Blah. Talk. Talk. Talk.
Then you popped this question out, " So anu bang gusto mong mangyari?".
Dun ako natameme. Am I arguing because I wanted to end this? Or I just want to save this?.

We both knew it. We just want to save the relationship ang encourage each other to be better. Admit that we have our flaws. We are not perfect and parehas kaming nagkamali.

PEACE. LOVE. HAPPINESS.

KAYO NA PO ANG BAHALA. *AMEN*

Bago maganap ang isang madugong komprontasyon, gustong kong i-document ang nararamdaman ko ngaun.

Honestly, wala pang malinaw na picture. Pero sa mahigit isang taon, alam ko na kung anung papupuntahan ng usapan hndi lang ng isa kundi ng dalawang tao, dalawang magkaibang tao, 1 desisyon.

Una kong gustong gawin ngaun ay umiyak, umiyak ng major major!!!! Umiyak ng umiyak hanggang sa wala na akong maramdaman. As in wala. Negative. Yung tipong mas masakit yung mata ko kesa sa nararamdaman kong panghihinayang, galit, pagod, kawalan ng pagasa at lahat ng mga masalimuot kong nararamdaman.

Parang awa nyo na, LAYUAN NYO AKO!!!! TANTANAN NYO AKO!!!!!

Sunod na gusto kong gawin ay kainin ng lupa for 1 week hanggang sa humupa ang problema. Malayo sa stress. malayong malayo sa mga problema. Malaya ako sa mga responsibilidad na hinihila ako papalapit sa problema.

Utang na loob. Mga bagay na pinaghirapan mong gawin, buoin at asikasuhin. Isang araw, mawawalang lahat. Hindi lang basta mawawala. Iiwanan ka ng matinding problema.

Iisipin mo na lang, PINAGHIRAPAN KO PA LANG GUMAWA NG PROBLEMA. AYOS.
Kung alam ko lang, hndi na sana ako nagpakahirap.

Gusto ko rin ngayong magpainject ng anesthesia. Please now na. Gusto kong maging MANHID!!!! Pleaseeeeeeee....

Gusto ko rin tumakbo pauwi sa bahay. MAMAAAAAAAAAA!!!



Pero higit sa lahat, gusto kong magdasal.
LORD KAYO NA PO ANG BAHALA. Kung anu;t anuman ang mangyari, alam ko pong hindi nyo ako pababayaan.

Umaaraw. Umuulan.

Maraming mga pagkakataong gusto ko na tlgang umayaw.
Tumakbo palayo, AYOKOOOOOOO NAAAAAAAAAA!!!! MAMA GUSTO KO NG UMUWIIIIIIIII!!!!

Meron din naman pagkakataon na gusto kong mag-stay tuwing maganda ang simoy ng mga hangin. (Err, parang pasko lang sabagay kahawig din naman ng pasko ang maraming benta.)

Pero pansin ko, masaya o malungkot, wala o meron sa isang bagay lang din naman madals akong bumabagsak. AYOKO NA LORD. PLEASE AYOKO NA PO TLGA.

Para akong batang hndi makapamili ng laruan. Takot sa mga bagong laruan kasi hndi pa naman ganon kaluma ang paborito at hawak ko ngayong laruan.

Naguguluhan man, isang araw alam kong dapat ko na ring bitawan ang favorite kong laruan, hndi lang dahil luma na kasi, by that time alam kong mas mature na ako.
Di ko na kelangan ng laruan lang.

Lahat ng bagay may dahilan.

Mula sa kulay ng suot ko ngayon, sa pag-MRT ko pagpasok sa office, sa pagkain ko ng tinapay kesa sinangag kaninang umaga. Lahat yun may dahilan.

Hindi pwedeng wala lang. Pero pwedeng trip mo lang. Kasi dahilan din naman yun, trip mo eh. Yun ang dahilan. Basta wag lang, "WALA LANG".

Dahilan para umalis.
Dahilan para mag-stay.
Dahilan para maging masaya.
Dahilan para malungkot.
Dahilan para mapagod.
Dahilan para magrelax.

Bakit ko pa to bina-blog? Anung dahilan?

Kasi nawawalan na ako ng dahilan kaya ginagawa ko to. Baka sakaling pagtinype ko yung nasa utak ko biglang may lalabas na idea para maging dahilan ko.

Pwede bang manghiram ng dahilan? Pwede bang makishare ng dahilan?

Minsan kasi, meron namang dahilan. Iba nga lang yung direksyon na tinuturo ng dahilan mo. Nagreresist ka kasi nga ayaw mo sa direksyon na yun o sa tingin mo hindi pa dapat yun ang mapuntahan mo.

Hindi na yun dahilan. NAGDADAHILAN ka na non.
Nagdadahilan na nga lang ako ngayon.

FIRST TIME again. =)

WELCOME..

It's like writing for the nth time but still feels like it's my first time. 

Let me give a quick preview of the major events that led me to where I am today.

Here's a short "blog" I kept. It was a letter for my first job. (See, I really love to write.)

Dear Work,

At first, I  don’t have any idea of what I really want to do.

I consider every single opportunity as an option. I was young and restless, hopeful and determined then.

Whichever comes first, I’d say yes.

I had several options but I don’t have any “top picks” from the bunch. You were average just like my other options.

You called me first. OMG. Regardless of the location, number of work days and salary, I said to myself: “This is it”.

The first meet-up was a breeze. I did not fell in love with the JD but I fell in love on the idea that this could be my first. I looked forward on the next meet up. 

The second meet-up got me thinking about the answer they would want me to say. In short, I want to please them and give them a taste of what they want.  True enough, I was liked which led me to my final meet-up.

No more shaking voice and knees. It was a breeze also, like my first meet-up. It was short and funny, filled with jokes and sharing of experiences.

I was quickly briefed on the arrangement right after. The next thing I knew, I already signed the JO.

No thinking twice. No second thoughts. The green signal was on, “GO ABBY”.

So after 1 year and 3 months of stay with my first job, where do I stand now?

True enough,  I was young and idealistic before . I lived with ideas that working is like doing what you want plus getting a bonus of being paid. Well, it was not like that for me as few months passed and as expectations go from 100 to 0 and as pay can not compensate the effort and not to mention the STRESS from the accounts, consultants and clients, I 've finally embraced this truth. "I'm young and I'm underpaid, I'm tired but I'm working, yeah!".

^^ Abby